The Soldier Codename: The Soldier (1982)

Sometimes a movie is so bad that you have to invent new words to describe it.  For several reasons, this isn’t the worst spy movie I’ve ever seen but you would never guess that from “The Soldier”.  It’s so bad I’m not really sure why it was made.

First of all, the movie poster is ambiguous about the gender of The Soldier in my mind.  The rest heads quickly downhill.  Since the movie didn’t care about its audience, I’ll just slap my observations on here without any effort to make them better…

It’s weird to see a glorification of a covert paramilitary hit squad.  It’s only been 10 years since the nation was horrified to find out the CIA was involved in assassinations of foreign leaders and now we have this?  WTF?

I doubt nuclear anything is transported on a trailer with the words “Nuclear” in big bold letters and can then be handled by hooligans wearing gloves for protection, seriously, gloves.  And why is Russia stealing plutonium from the US to smuggle into Canada to blow up a bomb in the Middle East?

The question of moral authority is very pertinent in this movie.  The Soldier kills people and blows shit up in secret.  The only real justification is that he works for the director of the CIA so therefore he has permission?  And yet even the Russians know that he’s gone off the reservation “which makes him even more effective”?  How about the portrayal of Mossad torture and execution?

And wtf is up with the US president ordering contingency plans on nuking Israel?

And wtf is up with the gore and blood?

And wtf is up with the swearing?

And wtf is up with the US being willing to murderize anyone in order to protect their oil?  Turns out it’s basically true but put that in a movie in these contexts?

And wtf is up with his video game training simulator?  It’s like the worse he gets, the higher his score – not very reassuring.

And who is the weirdo recording messages in the CIA?  He’s a bomb hobbyist?  Is he dressed up like a woman?  What a shitty disguise and yet we never get an explanation for who or what he is.

And wtf is up with the weird synthesizer porn music?  A lot of this movie has no dialogue, just strange ambience music and ACTION!

The Soldier has a unibrow

RPGs were huge in this movie

And wtf is up with the ski sequence?

He looks and acts like the lovechild of Rocky Balboa and Tony Montana

 

The late night ninja attack is my favorite so far, complete with ninja noises.  The pizza party is also hilarious.

Not much is good about this movie.  The film quality is an improvement over the shitty 70s but that’s about it.  The story sucks, the acting sucks, the direction sucks, the sets and props suck, the music sucks, the action scenes are ridiculous, the villain’s plans and the heroes’ plans are equally fucking stupid, and the climactic ending has the The Soldier not really doing anything besides boning Susan Goodman and driving around.  Put another way, the actions of “The Soldier” and “The Soldier’s Force” would be the evil schemes to be thwarted in a much more serious movie and the actions of their fictional Russia would be the schemes of some terrorist group in a spy spoof.  That’s right, our hero is actually worse than his villain.  Actually, all of the heroes are.  The US is repeatedly shown planning the destruction of Israel and Israel is shown to be reflexively violence-prone.  Wait a minute, who bankrolled this movie?  Is James Glickenhaus in the PLO?

It’s so horrible it has become unintentionally hilarious and I would recommend it for that reason.  Watch it for no other reason than to have a benchmark for what is a bad spy movie in order to compare many of the better films you could be seeing.  Other than setting a baseline, I wouldn’t recommend it.

Kryptosfan

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