Haywire (2011)

Seriously, Soderbergh?  Rest on your laurels much?  Nevermind, he must be pulling a Rupert Sanders.  Mystery solved.

But how the hell did she get Ewan McGregor, Channing Tatum, Michael Douglas, and Antonio Banderas…  oh, wait, what’s the word for a six-way?

Alright, so the premise is CIA-worthy: freelancing operative working for subcontractor who sets up deals with government acronyms is sent on covert, paramilitary action in another country to “rescue” a dissenting journalist who then ends up dead and she ends up as the scapegoat for deniability.  Fiction sets in as she tracks down the conspirators, enlists secret government help, unravels the mystery and has consequence-free revenge instead of dying.

The actual movie is a piece of crap however.  It’s a Raymond Chandlerian cannibalism of sanitized erotica vignettes that are blandly copied and pasted together and then sold as some dude action flick (with no nudity or actual sex or explosions or actual awesomeness) which is destined to end up on the Lifetime for women channel.  Half of it is just her doing shit with some gay-ass background music playing.  David Holmes really went out on a limb this time.  And my God, Gina Carano as a bad-ass super secret operative?  I literally think she practiced looking tough while running after she was done with her Alias-marathon.  But corn-rows you guys?  That’s badass right?  Right?  Guys?

Okay, let’s boil this down to the housewife wet-dream that they thought it would be.  Tatum is a gimme, she’s already fucked him in Barcelona for chrissakes, seriously?  Here’s some it’s-okay-to-be-a-total-icy-bitch-to-all-the-guys-in-the-room-while-wearing-my-head-scarf-girl-woman who then is like, the total leader and take-charge woman (go girl!).  After totally saving the guy, she then puts to good use all those jogging sessions with the girls by totally leaving the bros in the dust to catch the bad guy.  And she’s so hot but doesn’t like to play up her girly-ness even in a bathrobe and towel in the hair while checking her mail and hot ex-flame boss shows up at her house but they totally don’t do it even though he totally wants to, I bet she totally broke up with him for that shitty haircut he has.  Did I mention I found Derek on Facebook the other day and he’s going through a divorce and wanted to have some coffee and “talk”?  And did I mention her dad is like totally a great father and inspiration?  She’s lucky though, no annoying mom or stupid mom-in-law or worse ex-mom-in-law.  Then she gets set up on a date with this hot British guy and oh my God they’re staying in the same hotel and get to get dressed up and go out which we never get to do because my husband is such a dick.  And this other British guy totally eye-bangs her and I’m starting to think 2-guy threeway and then she starts to figure out the mystery and then oh my God, what a hot showdown in the hotelroom!  I totally thought they were going to do it when they fell on the bed.  And her fighting/wrestling style must be derived from sexy pilates attack classes because she tries to kill every bad guy with her vagina.  Is that a real thing?  Even if it’s not I want it to be my no-consequences super power!  Then she’s on the run and is like, climbing on shit but the bad guys are always one step away, in every fucking building no matter how far away she gets but oh my gawd do you see her in that jacket and knit hat?  That could totally be me!  I’m going to pull my hat down and walk all hot but secretive downtown today.  I’ve really got to get some of those gloves with the finger holes.  Shut up bitch, oh my gawd, that’s terrible!  And she’s like narrating this shit to some dude she totally picked up and then she has to save him in like a classic reversal of roles (girl power!).  But we never see him again, I’m confused, was he the new love interest or just too lame to keep her interested, cuz girl has options.  And she totally got this inexplicable haircut which is super trendy ohmygod!  Then she pulls like all badass moves and saves her dad and he’s like impressed by her awesomery.  Then, like everyone wants her to work for them and she’s all like, uh, I’ll let you know and basically drops the mic and walks off stage.  Then she kills her ex which I totally wish was legal and then takes out the skank competition that her douchebag husband left her for, why was she married to Antonio Banderas?  he’s old gross now, even though she’s now got to work and take care of their shitty kids and that bitch was totally in a slutty bikini at my kid’s pool part? with her ass hanging out and tits flopping all over?  and everyone’s stupid fucking husbands were just oogling her stupid no-kids body and then she like ganked that bitch and went after that jackass and his strawberries and next and next and next… oh, uh, I, uh, I sort of wandered off there… gotta go change my yoga pants and grab some AA’s, seriously Channing Tatum anyone?

Some girls (not all) may think like that some of the time (not all) but it’s too much bullshit to string together.  This is worse than Suckerpunch feminism, it’s insulting (or are those the same terms?).

Don’t watch this movie.  Don’t if you’re a guy, almost anything else would be better.  Don’t if you’re a woman, you’ll just end up feeling unsatisfied on a number of levels.

Kryptosfan