Double Agent 73 (1974)


I was tempted to skip this one but morbid curiosity overwhelmed my common sense.  To be sadly honest, you see the gigantic boobs of this dead-eyed zombie so often that they really stop meaning anything anymore.  It’s like when you write the same word over and over again until you don’t recognize it and start to doubt that it’s really the right spelling.  This movie is the jamais vu of boobs in spy movies.  It’s a terrible sexploitation movie and hard to dissect simply, so I opted for a play-by-play commentary.  Enjoy!

I’ve seen better YouTube videos
Which cast member’s house did they borrow for this movie?
WTF is up with all the shoes?
Did they just drive around town and make a movie wherever they could?
Why is she sunbathing with nylons on?
Is she dubbed?
Scars, people with scars are vicious madmen but that looks like a birthmark
More shoes
She looks bored
She looks like a drag queen
boobs boobs boobs
nylon fetish?
choking fetish?
home breast exam fetish?
coded message under the door!  Seriously, pause it like I did.  It’s like Morse and bullshit had a baby.
shoe fetish!?!
WTF are they standing in front of at the club?
Why break his way into his hotel room when he invited you up and you’re going to kill him anyways?
How old and fat and middle-aged is she?
She must have back problems
Seriously?  Death by boob?
He had a tiny Mona Lisa in his room =)
Car chase?  Lol
During a lot of the sped up or slowed down shots, I felt like I was on drugs
Heroin…  I would have expected Asians or at least South Americans – I’m so racist!
Old white guys running drugs?  CIA!
Platform shoes!
You know her address but not her name?
Birthmark henchman is…  Igor?
The butcher really tried showing off his blood-squirting knife and then started hacking like a maniac and I’m not sure but it seemed like he was aroused at the end.
Knockout gas and blurry boobs, naturally
Death by ice cubes?
I wonder if she suffers from torn ligaments and pulled tendons
Dead friend in tub?  Oh shit!  I’m late for the zoo!
Just killed a notorious assassin?  Time for another drink!
The grannie panties probably killed off any boners remaining
Is she high or drunk during filming?  Or perpetually lost and confused?
Fellow agent is a creeper
Most of these scenes actually feel like they were shot by someone used to doing porno.  There’s some basic setup and then what follows doesn’t matter because it’s just the boning.  This movie is like a compilation of all those set-the-scene vignettes but without the sex.
Why doesn’t she have sex with anyone?  Not like a boobtastic movie like this is going to get a PG-13 rating.  Was it so they could get an R rating?  Why bother?
Blue running shorts, nylons, and orange platform heels – oh yeah baby!
Was it a poison earring?
Blurry boobs
This movie is chronologically challenged via choppy editing, some parts just don’t make any sense
Tactical turtleneck!?!  Complete with old man gut?
The soundtrack is awesome
Parking lot pimp, just strollin’, haters gonna hate
Is that… an interior monologue?
He looks sad to be in this movie
Is it a resume builder, a career wrecker or just something you never admit to doing?
He obviously admires Burt Reynolds
I think she makes her own clothes
Yet another older chubby woman?  Snooky’s mom?
Haha, whiskey dick
The women are all wearing wigs?
Lingerie?  Could have just used a trash bag
Shower ambush!
Bondage fetish!
Her manatee boos look better in a bra
He’s drunk, why not just stab him or strangle him?
A topical poison could have killed her as well and faster considering how much she lathers on
Does she get yeast infections under her boobs?
Did they spell “antique” wrong?
Igor’s a tricky bastard
No shirt can hold those boobs!
Some lovely fake punches
Communists?  I thought it was about drugs?
Nice red platforms, is she really short or something?
Is Toplar her boss?
Judo chop to your bitch throat!
Did Igor actually die?
Ivan Toplar – Russian, gotcha
A booby trap?  No shit, an actual booby trap
Is she in her pajamas?
Why did she pass out?
Tim is Toplar?!?
He’s their employee, how the fuck didn’t anyone notice his fucked up ear?
Poor Agent 73, she just wanted love…
He comes clean and proposes marriage like a boss, of a horrible underground drug ring peddling cheap heroin
What a bitch!
Just when you think you’re out… they pull you back in…

Did anyone else notice she’s not actually a “double agent”?


p.s. In the race to the bottom, this is currently the worst spy movie ever made, ever.